It amazes me the little details that I now remember of my youth that no one else in my family remembers, like my youngest brother getting up early and making a whole batch of pancakes just for himself or the behavior of a certain horse. To them these things were not that important so they have over the years simply put them out of their mind. Of course they all remember the major things like someone putting a garden snake in my sister's bed but no one has ever claimed responsibility for that one. I know that I didn't do it so it had to be one of my younger brothers.
There are times however that I wonder if these things really happened or were they simply a dream but the moment all the pieces begin coming together I realize that they really did happen. My life up until I graduated from high school consisted of the old farm house and big red barn along with the horses in the field. While there were other activities such as fishing and hunting most of our childhood revolved around those horses. Mom often complained that they came before we did and in most cases she was right but the truth was that they were what defined us. It was how people knew who we were and the only ways that I got dates as I got older. You see growing up we weren't allowed to go on a real date. It either consisted of getting together at youth group or some church activity unless they came over to ride horses. By the time I was old enough to drive any date that I might have had consisted of my little sister in the back seat and again it was only to her house and our final destination then back to her place. On the rare occasion that I found myself alone with a girl I understood why my parents were so strict with me.
You see they knew just as I did that God was calling me to do something for Him. They put up a protective barrier in order to keep me from being swayed in the wrong direction but what they didn't realize was that there was much in their own lives as well as those who we hung around with that Satan would use to defeat me. I didn't fully understand the relationship with Christ and there were little examples of one who had the proper relationship for me to follow; which was why God was trying to show me through the training technique that I was beginning to develop back then. The other issue was one of pride. I was just then growing into myself and at the time there was a popular actor that I looked like so Satan had an easy time in distracting me from God's plan for my life but the thought of embarrassing my parents or disappointing them kept me from a lot worse decisions.
Today I live with the past regrets. I cannot look at my horses without feeling the pain of a life wasted that could have glorified Him. I think about the influence that I was on others and the people I caused to turn from Him and I cry out for His forgiveness. I am often reminded of the movie the Mummy with Brendan Frazier and the scene on the river boat when it catches fire. Brendan's nemesis; Benny, hollers out "Hey O'Connell; it looks like we got all the horses to which he replies; hey Benny, it looks like your on the wrong side of the river. It is no different than the children of Israel who decided that they wanted their inheritance to be on the other side of the Jordan river. We have all gotten to a place where we feel more comfortable on the wrong side because it is looks better or it is easier; we have all the horses but the problem is that just like with the children of Israel the blessing is on the other side of the river. Their inheritance was in the land of Canaan just like ours is in servitude to Christ. Yes we can serve Him in a normal job but in most cases the truth is that we don't do it. Yes we can serve Him as a Sunday School teacher but the truth is that most of us simply use an already prepared lesson plan. True we can serve Him at home but the truth is that our children recognize our lack of obedience to Him and it is what Satan uses to dissuade them from serving Christ. We have all the horses; the cars, the nice home, the good job, the perfect spouse but all these things that appear to be blessings are nothing compared to what we are giving up by being in obedience to Him.
I gave up a lot. I have lost marriages; and yes I said marriages because I have been married three times. The two divorces were not my choosing but the women were. I have lost children because my older kids are not walking with God. I pray that the decisions they made when they were young were true conversions but all I can do is pray. I have two children that I rarely get to see because of their mother and her refusal to allow me in their lives. I have lost homes, vehicles, fortunes, respect,and the ability to find a job. Unable to pay the high child support every month has cost me my drivers license and time in jail even though I pay what I can afford.It has cost me the respect of others because even though I have tried to get my support lowered it has been denied time and time again which makes others look at me in judgment. Even though I was a CEO I cannot find a job making better money because I never finished college and do not have a degree although I could do most jobs I am unemployable in a higher paying position; but the greatest loss is that of service because of my choices I am unable to serve Him as a Pastor. I can preach and do other things but even these are limited by my background.
My dear friends I implore you to turn from the things that you are doing and turn to Him. Allow Him to direct your paths and guide you in the way that He would have you to go. Do not worry about money or things because they will pass away. He has promised to provide these things for us and we are so busy trying to help Him that we are ignoring Him. We have fallen for the devil's lies that God helps those who help themselves and have lost the power that He intended for us. We have become so focused on ourselves that we have allowed others to fall into a pit of despair and then we wonder what ever happened to revival.
My dream has long been to have a youth camp and to work with not only the youth but their parents as well. Because of the things that God has gifted me with I want to be able to use the horses to show and share a relationship with Christ hopefully changing the lives of those who go through the program; not because of anything that I do but what He does. I want to be able to share the love of Christ above mere words and I pray that we can receive the prayers of our friends and loved ones.
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